When fascism comes to America, it will come wrapped in the American flag.

Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

On stage, I make love to 25,000 people, then I go home alone.

My only fear is that I may live too long. This would be a subject of dread to me.

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.